Could anybody use a job right now?  I can’t pay much because any extra money I have goes to paying for an open bar (for you people to get drunk at my wedding…you can thank me on the big day in a slurred, arm around the shoulder, invading my bubble kind of way).  But I would pay you something to come rub my shoulders and help ease this awful headache.

Added monetary bonus if you do my grocery shopping as we are now out of oatmeal packets and surviving solely on the Saltine crackers.