The other day my coworker was asking me if I was eating Nerds again and I responded by asking her if she could hear my teeth rotting.  I then proceeded to tell her my woe-is-me story about my expensive dental bill and impressive number of cavaties.  This led to us joking about writing Wonka, Inc. a letter of dissatisfaction.  Because I’m dissatisfied with how addictive they make those crunchy little buggers.  And because we just have so much to do at work, we came up with this:

Dear Wonka, Incorporated,

Here’s my beef.  Your Nerds have given me cavaties.  And lots of them.  In fact, I financed my dentist’s vacation home.  And that hot little speedboat he keeps parked out back in the lake.  Also the donations he makes to charities, but I’m not so mad about those.

Back to my beef.  Enclosed is a copy of my dental bill.  You can choose to split the costs between your different departments – I won’t tell you how to run your business.  I understand that the marketing team that designs the boxes with those cute little Nerds without arms and the Oompa Loompa department are both equally responsible for my terrible tooth enamel.

I trust that you will pay this bill in a timely fashion and I won’t have to worry about creditors coming after me for non-payment.  Please also note my dentist’s 30-day payment policy.

Thank you for doing the right thing.  And I know you will. 



P.S. – Is it bad that my heartbeat is registering at hummingbird status?  I am a bit concerned and feel this might warrant a trip to my general physician.  And for your sake, I sure hope at least 80% of that bill is covered through insurance.  I’ll get back to you.  But in the interest of helping you budget, you’ll want to keep in mind those EKG’s probably run a tad on the expensive side.

P.P.S. – The other day my coworker told me she didn’t like Starbursts.  I then told her that we could no longer be friends.  See what you’re doing, Wonka?  You’re ruining friendships.  And I would include a bill for that, too, if it weren’t for the fact that friendships are priceless.