I have been avoiding you people.  Just in case you didn’t realize, what with my slackery-ness in the posting-ness department.  (You missed me and my made up words, didn’t you?  Yeah, ya’ did.)

Let’s see here.  My life is exactly the same since I last posted in August.  Nothing notable.  I was not declared Queen of America, because I know you were wondering.  I’m not sure how rumors like these start, but again, to reiterate, not declared queen. 

No new job, no extra cash, not even a bright and shiny new husband.  Pffft.  So much for 2011 being my year.

And because I’ve had absolutely zilch-o-doodly-rino (heeello Flanders!) going on in my life, it has left my free time open to amusing ponderings.  Of which I’ll share with you now.  So here’s what I’ve come up with in my last 2 months of hiatus. 

1.) God-damn, f-ing, shit-tastic start of winter.  This needs no further explanation.  Moving on from “numero uno” before I start seriously considering the idea of buying a couple used heat lamps off eBay and pouring sand on my carpet to mimic the feeling of being on the beach all winter.  Obviously I am an idea-man.  Obviously.

2.) High school students have an extra layer of skin that keeps them immune from temperatures associated with beginning of said season above.   If I see another teenage girl in flip flops and a short sleeve shirt, holding hands with her emo boyfriend as they walk home from school in sleet, I will drive my car up onto the sidewalk.  I will not hit them, no.  But I will lean out the window and give them a stern, disapproving look (with a possible mob-boss style fist shake to make sure they know I’m all business) before backing my car back off the sidewalk and proceeding on my merry way to the grocery store to get those pixie sticks I’ve been craving.

3.) Pregnancy tests are damn expensive until you get smart and just start buying the ghetto ones from the dollar store.  Did you all read that sentence a second time?  Thought so.  Ok, fine, we’ve just started trying to have little Katies and Tonys.  It’s mainly a reaction to my unquenchable need to start a small army of children who will take care of me in the event of an apocolyptic-type catastrophe (we do know I cannot cook, which will only be highlighted further in the event of a nuclear disaster when I’d be forced to cook squirrel carcass off a burning tire), but…they’d also be kinda cute to have around for other reasons and what not.  You know, strictly for vain purposes and bragging rights and all.

Why do I smell fear coming through my computer screen, people?  Procreation and terrible names like Inspektor Gadgett and SparrowBirdHawkEagle shouldn’t just be limited to the royals and celebrities.  Let’s make sure you understand, though.  We’re trying.  We’re not pregnant yet.  No buns a-baking.  No doves a-singing or maids a-milking.  Wait.  Sorry, somehow that got turned into a Christmas carol.

You’ll all be the first to know, though, cool?  Be at the ready for when I text you, all “omg wtf lol bbq.”  That last one was just thrown in to even out the acronyms.  Mmmm…barbecue. 

4.)   You seriously think I have a number four after I dropped the big, ole’ bombshell that Tony and Katie are trying to further disrupt Earth’s natural goodness and balance by unloading genetically modified little monsters upon its green, non-apocolyptic (yet) land? 

Actually I do:  Croutons.  Stale bread or God’s gift to the salad?  Discuss. 

(Holy cow, I’ve had a lot of time for pointless thoughts,  haven’t I?)

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