Gratuitous advice and information from yours truly.  Because lately I seem to be getting “gratuitous” advice from just about everyone else because when people see a little pregnant belly, advice just seems to upchuck out of their mouths uncontrollably.  I am not a super freak-a-zoid about advice and most of the time I smile and actually save little tidbits that I think will be useful in my metaphorical back pocket, but after 1 too many quips about “sleeping when the baby sleeps” I start wanting to remind people that I’m not a complete and TOTAL moron.  Only a SMALL moron, ok?  Jeeesus, people!  I mean I figured out how to make this baby, after all.  (Immaculate conception, of course. duh.)

Anyway, as a newly, first time preggo lady, I have learned quite a few things over the last couple of months.  Some of it really great.  Some of it not so great.  Some of it downright ugly and stuff I wouldn’t normally admit, but heck, let’s keep with the pattern and overshare.  So here you are, my people.  Enjoy.

The Good: Watching my husband get on his knees and start Darth-Vader-talking to my belly, saying “Foooox, I am your fatheeeeer.”

The Bad: Feeling a river of acidic fire crawling up your esophagus each and every time you are in a horizontal position.  Tums stock has jumped 5 points since I’ve gotten knocked up.

The Ugly: Do not, I repeat, do NOT surround yourself with funny people.  Because funny people make you laugh.  And laughing during pregnancy, with a bladder that has a little extra weight applied, will have you laughing one minute and then coming to a complete stop with the laughing, while all your friends or coworkers might be giving you a strange look when you cut out mid-laugh.  Oh, we’re definitely not laughing anymore.  Where’s the damn lady’s room?!

The Good: Invest in a belly band.  I haven’t buttoned my pants since late February.  And none of you fools have even noticed.

The Bad: Maternity pants.  I would avoid these all together if my company would just lighten up a little and let me wear some damn yoga pants to work everyday.  But because I don’t foresee that happening in the near future, I am slowly inching my way into these, week by week.  And they suck, in all their elastic-ky-hatedness.

The Ugly: My belly button is starting to look a little crazy.  Want a funny story?  Tony and I have had a long-standing “inside joke” of sorts laugh about my stupid belly button.  It’s always been such a deep belly button that we’ve never been able to see to the bottom of it.  We’d always joke about my insides seeping out somewhere way below and that we always wondered what was at the very bottom.  Well I can tell you now.  And it was a rogue M&M from 1997 that was lodged down there all along.  And a few pennies.  And potato chip crumbs.  And I think we also might have had a glimpse of Nelly, the lochness monster.  As it keeps getting closer to the surface, I’m sure more things will emerge from it.  I’ll keep you posted.

The Good: Having an OB-GYN who has the exact same, terribly-inappropriate sense of humor as I do.  On my last visit he told me I looked fairly healthy and not like I’d been doing too much crack.  Match made in gynecological heaven.

The Bad: Hearing opinions on the name Fox.  Yeah.  We get it.  It’s not your cup of tea.  But I hate your name, too.  And the make of your car.  And I don’t like that stupid purple shirt you’re wearing today either.

The Ugly: Buckle up, pregnant women.  9 months is a long time to go without alcohol.  And the fun-filled nights of debauchery that go along with alcohol.  I know I’m making myself out to be an alcoholic here, but the Captain and I had a pretty intense fling going for awhile.  And now it’s like we don’t even know each other.  He doesn’t even respond to my text messages.

The Good: Having people fawn over you.  I am one of those weird pregnant ladies that does not care if you want to rub up on my belly.  Seriously!  Go in for a pat.  Make a wish while you’re at it, cuz it has some pretty crazy little powers, this buddha belly.  And you better get your rubbing in while I’m still in the 2nd trimester and feeling kind of remotely cute about it, because when I start rounding 3rd I might not be feeling so lovely towards a big-ole-belly.

The Bad: All the limits.  I find having  a sense of humor is key when people start telling me to sit down or stop lifting things.  I like to tell them that I don’t want a puny baby so I’m helping him build up some muscle.  It’s good to toughen them up in utero.

The Ugly: Weight gain.  Oh, it is so, so, SO vain, I know.  But it’s the truth.  No woman likes to watch the scale creep up, especially into unfamiliar territory.  I have to remind myself that it’s healthy.  That I have to gain weight.  But it’s hard not to want to gain it all on S’mores icecream and Coca Cola.  As if pregnancy wasn’t un-fun enough.

Enough with the gratuitous information.  How about a gratuitous belly picture?  I’m 21 weeks below and dressed all fancy-schmancy after a work event down in the city.  Little did I know it would be raining out so don’t mind the gnarly hair, which I finally had to pull back.

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