Oh my gawd, you guys…I never thought I’d be the mother who shoves pictures of my wee little mister down every stranger’s throat.  But here I am again, uploading cute photos to my blog.  Be thankful you aren’t my friend on Facebook ‘cuz I be all up in yer newsfeed, bitches!  Check out mah baybee!  Lookit him sleepin, yo!

I am using this blog as my own personal rolodex of wallet photos.  Because I’ve probably been de-friended in large quantities on Facebook lately.

Here’s the little bean during a photo shoot.  Why is he dressed like an elf in the middle of November, you ask?

Because honey badger don’t care.

No, really.  Because my parents would like to send out a Christmas card this year with his sweet little mug on it and asked that I dress him in Christmas garb.  So what do I do, but dress that little tater tot in every single damn Christmas item we own.  I wanted to make sure people got the point.  You know.  That it’s Christmas and all.  I think it reads well.

Before I subject you to the Spirit of Christmas explosion of red and green and elf booties and Santa hats, I should also tell you that Fox spits up a lot.

What does that have to do with this photo shoot?

Well, wouldn’t you know, the minute we dressed him, he puked all over himself.  And we’re not talking a dainty little spit up.  That little sucker horfed up his entire meal.  Multiple times.  I shit you not.

Because dressing him is like trying to baptize a cat, we weren’t about to take another 15 minutes trying to straighten out his little chicken wing arm to get it through another shirt, all while he’s screaming his head off and quivering that bottom lip.  I just couldn’t do it, ya’ll.  The bottom lip is my Kryptonite.  So on we went with the Christmas photo shoot.  Puke or no puke.

(We are lucky my husband is a graphic designer because puke is surprisingly easy to Photoshop out.  As you’ll see in some of the pictures below).

Merry Christmas from our little grinch, who wants everyone to know he was NOT on board with this whole photo shoot thing.  And the elf hat.  Was not on board with that either.

I’m so ready for all these damn holidays to be over so you freaks can stop finding reasons to dress me up.

Behold the power of Photoshop!  Erasing all evidence of puke, both big and small.

I think I made the “Nice” list this year.  At least, I’m cute enough to have any offences overlooked, anyway.

Wait.  Another photo shoot?  I will pay you both back one day in the form of a wild teenager.

I’m not kidding.  You guys are seriously lame.

Hmm…that’s an interesting prop.  I will now ignore you for 4 minutes while I contemplate this.

I am no longer as interested in this prop and will now proceed to be pissed at it.

Fine.  One blue steel shot.  Now dress me in something normal and put me in my swing with the birds that fly around so I can tell all my friends how uncool my parents are. 

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Michaels Craft Photo Frames

This is where it starts.  Forty five $1 wood frames from Michaels.  I wish you all could have been there with me when I checked out and the cashier scanned each wood frame individually.  Yup.  Individually, 45 times.

(Maybe you were there with me, and in that case, you better not have been the one cursing me out at the back of the line.  I know what that word means, madam!)

Anyhow, like I stated in a previous post (of which I’m too lazy to link to, sorry folks), I’m getting Martha Stewart all up in this joint.  Which means our condo is starting to look like a mini Michaels store.  But more like an explosion instead of those neatly stacked shelves.  I dare you to open my guest room closet.  Get some padded gear ready and remember to protect your face.

Sidenote (of which I have many and you all know that by now): I’ve been informed by the President/CEO/Emperor of Michaels Craft Store that if I mention the store just ONE more time in this blog, they’ll make me Director of Marketing for their Web Ad Campaign.  A snazzy title, but long, lonely days on the road away from the family.  I had to turn them down.

Also, I feel a little like I’m bailing on Oscar Meyer and Willy Wonka who are cutting me checks at this very moment.  Yup.  Annny minute now.

Sidenote over.  You made it through alive.  That wasn’t so bad, right?

So back to the craft at hand.  Channeling Martha, I decided to take on the task of making table number luminaries.  Let me explain what these are.  Way back when, I saw a picture on the Martha Stewart Weddings site that showed 3 photo frames connected upright together to form a triangle.  In the frame, Martha (or probably one of her minions) had printed photos on vellum, a translucent paper.  Inside the frame, Igor (I named her minion that because Igor is the minion of all minions) had placed a candle.  The light shone through and made the photos appear to glow.

Tony and I decided (wait, did I say Tony?  I meant I decided for the both of us) that we could put something like this on each table with our baby photos.  And because it wasn’t crafty enough, I’d also buy wood numbers to paint gold and spray paint with glitter.  These luminaries would act as our table numbers.

Man, I’m smart!

Which brings me to the first set of problems I encountered.  Printing on vellum paper.  It didn’t go so bad at first.  Until my printer decided to join all the other electronic devices in my household and revolt against me.  If you know me, you know anything electronic in my household will eventually declare mutiny.  And I’m saying that really quietly in case my dryer is listening again.  Uncle!  I’m crying Uncle, Maytag!

(Sidenote #2: Of course the dryer, TV and DVD player all crap out on me, but nooooo, not Tony’s XBox.  It couldn’t be the Xbox.)

Apparently there is no fooling my printer that flimsy, translucent paper is anything like the normal stuff it eats.

The printer started to act a little annoyed.  Until it went nut-zo and started printing on the fritz.  Poor Tony had ink splatters all over his tiny, little baby forehead.  And it was noticeable enough that we couldn’t pass the ink stains off as a freak mole he had as a baby.  Nobody would have bought it.

So I lost some paper in the mix.  And I’m not on speaking terms with my printer.  So we’ll have to figure something out, but for the most part, I was able to finish a good portion of Project Baby Photo.

Below is an example of what it looks like, but the finished product will have a lit candle behind it.

Please refrain from gobbling up such a cute little face. Because that face is now 29 years old and that could be awkward.

I haven’t started staining the frames yet, but his mom has volunteered to help me with that part.  She’s in for a surprise.  And you are too, when I get to the second post on this project and let you know how the staining goes.  I’m having nightmares of lighting the candle inside and the stain vapors going up in a fireball.  Is that a smother or douse scenario?  Let me know quick, ok?

But in the meantime,  how about a few gratuitous baby photos to send us out?

Yeah, I have a nametag pinned to me, so what? What up, ladies?

To which Katie replies:

Whatevs, Tone! The day you can start whining is the day someone forgets to put pants on you.

Stay tuned for the next installment on this DIY project.  And please pray my printer doesn’t try to attack me in my sleep tonight.  I’ve already had one nasty surprise from the toaster.